We live in an age where therapy of all kinds are considered a vital form of mental health support for everyday life. In fact, around a quarter of US adults now openly receive regular therapy to help them through. And, who can blame them?
Therapists can help with everything from learning to deal with life’s emotional strain to putting coping mechanisms in place for dealing with the unexpected.
Luckily, therapy is also easier to access now, with options like online therapy allowing us to attend appointments in life’s stolen moments. But what happens if you’ve decided to give therapy a go and are finding that it’s doing absolutely nothing for you?
In truth, therapy doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, though, problems can arise simply due to a poorly fitting therapist. After all, each therapist has their own way of doing things and different ideas of positive practice. Like with dating, there’s no guarantee that they’ll always feel like the right one for you.
Even with this being the case, many patients still stick with an unsuitable therapist out of loyalty, but that’s a big mistake. Ultimately, your therapist wants you to have the best therapy journey possible, and they definitely won’t take it to heart if you choose to end the relationship. They may even be able to recommend someone more suitable.
But how do you know it’s time to take the plunge and split up with your therapist? Keep on reading to find out a few warning signs you should never ignore.
Sign 1: Unethical Behavior
Most of the time, breaking up with your therapist will be a bit of a ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ situation, but there are instances where your therapist will be to blame for a fallout, particularly if they exhibit unethical behavior.
In a therapist’s room (or in an online session), unethical behavior can include things like violating your confidentiality, asking for inappropriate favors/bribery, or even making sexually inappropriate advances. More broadly, however, unethical therapist behavior could be considered as anything your therapist does that feels unprofessional, or uncomfortable to you.
In other words, if you’re experiencing any doubts about your therapist’s conduct, it’s probably time to end the relationship. You can also check your unique therapist’s ethical code of conduct, which will highlight precisely which behaviors they shouldn’t be engaging in. Either way, you’ll never be able to have a conducive, trusting relationship with a therapist who’s done something to breach your comfort zone in these ways.
Sign 2: A Lack of Specialist Training
Therapists are not psychologists and, for the most part, they don’t have a great deal of specialized training regarding unique conditions. Rather, the majority of therapists will have experience dealing with fairly common issues, like depression, anxiety, or stress.
This is useful for the majority of patients, but a broad approach may not be suitable for individuals dealing with more specialist conditions, such as eating disorders, trauma, or gender dysphoria. And, if your therapist isn’t aware of how to deal with those things you’re dealing with, they could end up inadvertently doing more harm than good.
The best way around this is to simply seek a specialist therapist in the first place, who will have training in precisely the best therapies to provide the most impact.
Luckily, if you feel like your therapist doesn’t have the tools to help your specific condition, the chances are that they’re feeling the same. By addressing this concern, your therapist will either be able to put your mind at ease about their ability to help or will refer you to a specialist therapist they think would be more suitable.
Sign 3: Communication Issues
Therapy is all about communication, so communication issues are a notable red flag to be wary of. If you can’t talk freely and openly and know that your therapist will listen, then you’re unlikely to experience any benefits.
Of course, sometimes, communication issues are nobody’s fault and can happen due to simple things like language barriers. Let’s say you speak fluent English, but your first language is Mandarin. You may still struggle to truly engage with an English-speaking therapist without barriers or cultural misunderstandings. By comparison, seeking a Mandarin-speaking therapist can see you fully engaging in your mother tongue in a way that will inevitably feel more open, free, and productive in the long run.
Alternatively, communication issues can easily happen even between a therapist and patient who speak the same language. Perhaps you feel like your therapist doesn’t listen, or regularly misunderstands what you’re trying to say. Their advice will likely be ill-suited as a result, suggesting you would be better off seeking help from someone more suited to your communication style.
Sign 4: Struggling to Get Along With Their Advice
Therapists will all offer you different advice or lifestyle suggestions, and those things should ultimately guide you towards self-awareness, realization of underlying issues, and a better mental outlook overall. If your therapist’s suggestions feel ill-fitting or unproductive to you, then they’re probably not the therapist you need.
Admittedly, this tends to be less about the therapist themselves, and more about the type of therapy you’ve chosen. For instance, a cognitive behavioral therapist will likely set you tasks to challenge long-held mental beliefs. By comparison, a psychodynamic therapist is far more likely to advise you to explore childhood situations or keep a dream journal.
Each of these techniques works best for certain underlying problems (e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective for addressing anxiety, while psychodynamic therapy can be useful for working through past trauma), but can be ineffective when applied to the wrong circumstances.
For the most part, a therapist will pick up on this incompatibility before you do, but you mustn’t simply follow a therapist’s seemingly ineffective suggestions because you feel obliged. If it isn’t chiming with you, then find a therapist with methods that do.
Sign 5: A Lack of Progress
While ongoing therapy can be useful for keeping your life on track, your initial therapy journey definitely shouldn’t feel static. Rather, your first few sessions should feel like they’re breaking down walls, or helping you deal with whatever you sought therapy for in the first place. If that isn’t happening, then even the best therapist might not be in the right position to help you.
This lack of progress can be a difficult thing to admit, especially if you enjoy your therapist’s company and find them a great person to talk to. But, remember – your therapist isn’t your friend. This is a service you’re paying for, and it should provide verifiable value to your life.
It’s especially important to seek another therapist if you find that you’re still experiencing things like panic attacks or depressive episodes at the same rate you were previously. This is true even if you suspect that your lack of progress is related to your holding things back in your sessions. A well-suited therapist will recognize this and find ways to uncover that hidden information to ensure the best value for you.
If your therapist isn’t doing that, or they simply don’t seem to be guiding your therapy journey towards any actual outcomes, then you owe it to both them and yourself to look at the other fish in the therapist sea.
Conclusion
Therapy is a difficult journey, but it can become a lot harder if you stick with a therapist who simply isn’t a good match. Make sure that doesn’t happen by dating your therapists with these red flags in mind.
